Lonely - Geneva College, a Christian College in Pennsylvania (PA)

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Everyday Living
October 11, 2017

Lonely

Lonely–such a horrible way to feel,

The pain it gives is oh so real.

The emptiness brings my whole body pain,

Nothing and no one can keep me sane.

The more I’m alone the more I want to be,

Nobody understands, no, not even me.

They want to help, but don’t know what to do,

But the pain remains until my heart is made new.

I cry to the Lord to take this away,

But the hurt remains every single day.

Does the Lord hear my crying voice?

It stays because of Him–this is His choice.

It’s so hard not to be angry with Him,

When the fire keeping me alive is going dim.

If God is the only One who can take away my pain,

Why in the world does it still remain?

I beg and plead for Him to hold my heart,

But every day it still breaks apart.

Every day only seems to get worse,

Making my heart feel nothing but cursed.

“The pain will go away,” they always say,

Over two years later and the pain still remains.

I’m starting to believe this pain will never leave,

And depressed is something I will always be.

Depression is something that is hard to articulate. It is different for everyone. The symptoms are different for everyone. Explaining depression to someone who has never dealt with it is extremely difficult to do.

“My heart hurts” is my typical statement for when my depression is overtaking my day. I hate saying that because I always know the next response to my statement: “Why? What happened?” This leaves me ever more frustrated than before because 99% of the time the answer is the same, nothing. Nothing happened. I had a good day. I woke up, I did my devotion, prayed, rested in the Lord’s presence, and went about my day. Not a single bad thing happened; however, there’s a pain in my chest where my heart is - a constant pain that reminds me of my constant uphill battle that has yet to seem like it has a finish line.

I do not know why God has given me this battle to face. Many days, I feel like I’m alone in this battle. Nobody understands and nobody thinks that anything they can do will help. So I’m alone. Some days I’m surrounded by a multitude of loved ones and still feel just as lonely as ever. I’m not saying anything against my loved ones. Talk to any friend of someone who struggles with depression and they will tell you it’s no easy task. Many days I look to the Lord and ask, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What can I do to get it to stop? Why won’t you take this away from me?”

Being a Christian makes depression harder and easier. God is the only One who gets me through each and every day. However, sometimes I just get so frustrated with Him because I know He’s the only One who can save me from this treacherous tunnel of darkness. But lately–and just when I needed it the most–He has lit a candle to guide me through the darkness. I have no idea what is in front of me and I by no means can see my destination with the tiny light. But I have a light, nonetheless, to guide me. I may feel alone, but I am not. If it wasn’t for that light, I wouldn’t be able to take another step through the tunnel, I would stumble and fall and never get back up.

I am so thankful for that light that gets me through every step of this journey I am in. That light is Jesus.

 

National Depression Screening Day is recognized in October. Learn more here: https://mentalhealthscreening.org/programs/ndsd

Geneva College encourages you to seek professional mental help for yourself and loved ones if needed. Geneva offers free mental health services to traditional undergraduate students through our on-campus Health & Wellness Center. In addition, Christian Counseling Associates of Western Pennsylvania (CCA) runs a counseling office on the Geneva College campus with appointments available 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., six days a week and can be set up by calling (724) 396-1510.